Time heals but loss is still felt

Maybe it was the fact that my grandfather isn't fairing too well this week or that Zion's collar is hanging on a hook near our back door but today I actually looked for him like I had gone back in time and he would be there waiting. Something about another's death or their impending twist of fate that awaits them that none of us can escape one day, makes you aware of things you already miss. I thought of him in the midst of being back at work and running all week with no time for myself between work, kids, work...you get the picture. I left the back door open and the air from the fan hit the curtains just right and it was like old times. I twisted my head toward the door with Kieren under my arms to catch a glance of the big, brown, bulbous head-but again like all things forever gone from your grasp it was more of a mirage than a reality. I sometimes wonder if the times that your attention is in tune with their memory if those are the times they are around us or thinking of us too and it is their way of still being a part of your life and checking in. I know-sounds crazy but I like to think so. Needless to say my laundry was the only thing waiting at home. Somehow that just wasn't the greeting I had hoped for.

I got up around 3:45am to feed Kieren. Not sure why he didn't sleep through the night. It happens still. I had a total flashback. I was feeding him and rocking in the rocking chair with his bedroom door opened a bit and the soft lighting from the dining area shone through. I felt like Zi was with us. Maybe he was or maybe I just had yet another moment remembering him and the comfort he brought having him around. Zion was just like his mom (me) a worry wart-wanted to make sure all was okay. He would get up most times and come in the room, and even though knowing my arms were filled up with Kieren would lay at my feet for an occasional rub down by my feet on his back. He would see all was fine and return to his bed at the foot of ours. I sat there hoping that in that space where the door was ajar and the light shone enough to see I would be able to see my big Zi walk right in. Part of me knows that is crazy but a part of me thinks that when we think of our loved ones that pass it is because they are truly with us. I almost feel like you get a strange feeling to let you know. Maybe not, maybe just hoping,. but I have felt that way before at passing of my grandmothers. All I know is that however sad not to have him late this morning...there was a peaceful feeling knowing he somehow was still here.

Zi lives in everyone's hearts!

I haven't posted in awhile. Sometimes I think I am so lucky to have been so busy with the boys, to have little down time. I fear without them how I would be doing without Zion in our lives. Zion left us after having our two boys at a time when there are few silences throughout my day to even think. I continue to smile when I see him everyday on my screensaver as big as life-I talk to him in my own way that way and send loving thoughts-that way there is never a day I don't talk or think of him. Cameron likes to talk to his picture too and pretend to throw treats....he misses that. We have been blessed with the amazing thoughtfulness of his Doctors/techs still. We have recieved another arrangement-beautiful flowers as well as a card and a book about a man/dog. Just when you lose faith in things around you there are people that go that extra mile to care and show love for you and your family during a hard time. It has meant so much to recieve these tokens of kindness and makes me less cynical about this crazy world. So awesome.

Sixteen Days Past Goodbye

It has been over two weeks since saying goodbye to our beloved Zi. I don't know if it is keeping busy that keeps me from crying or a certain peace you come to terms with and a way of looking daily at pictures and remembering good times that help. I do know that my calendar mysteriously filled up with various outings, activities and appointments....coincidence? Funny how things like the DMV all of a sudden become a priority to take care of after driving with an expired license since my last birthday (and no I didn't know til recently). So these and my boys are what make things seem somewhat normal. We talk about Zion with a smile and laugh at what he must be doing in "doggie heaven." We still run into people who ask where he is and a little sting returns, especially when they are with their dogs...walking them, throwing the ball to them.....there have been no walks for me around the neighborhood. I haven't even gone with Cameron and his bike. Still a little strange to do so without him. Maybe again sometime soon. So glad we had Zi in our lives. Like my friend Jessica said, "they really teach you lessons in how to be a better person"....they trust and love unconditionally....they forgive you in a second....it is no wonder they make such an impact on us. XO ZI!

If I could

I lost my friend today somewhere along the way;
I had to say goodbye with tears in my eyes;
Why wasn't there more of a choice, why couldn't he stay?
I knew in my heart I had to let him go;
his eyes pleaded with me even though I wanted to say no.
If I could live and breathe for him I would;
if I could take that cancer...only if I could.
A part of my heart went with my friend today;
I lost it forever but it was never meant to stay.
I miss you my friend, I love you forever.

The Loving Thoughts Keep Coming.....

I am so impressed and at the same time touched by our Zi's Dr./staff at California Veterinary Specialists Angel Care Cancer Center. It is an amazing place with people who absolutely love animals and want to do everything possible to help them live the longest, happiest lives possible..even with that evil Cancer.

I had only been a couple times as I said...Chris normally took Zion but the way they interacted with him and were affected by him it proved he had been the luckiest dog to recieve help with them. They refer to the dogs as kids. They are there to speak to anytime at the drop of a hat and are there for you to come in anytime as well. Unfortunately my visits ..each one had been for the saddest ones-but these were the times I needed people like this around me.

I cannot thank them enough for their kindness and love to Zion and the total respect for his last moments with us and wanting to say goodbyes. I know they become numb to the events such as ours to some extent but they told me that Zion was one they got attatched to and that he won over their hearts. They said they are sorry they were unable to do more for him.....are they kidding?! Do they realize they gave us the best gift they could have...we got almost 7 more happy months with him....a gift to him and us. He wouldn't have made it that first month unless we had taken him there.....we made the mistake of going to Bancroft and the inexperience and lack of attention to details almost cost us this time we were given.

So I hold the utmost respect and gratitude to them. Hopefully we can get Zion's pic in a frame and a card to express this. They even sent a letter today. Awesome. What more can I say! David Proulx and team go above and beyond and am so thankful to them.

Peaceful Paws

We chose to have Zion cremated through Peaceful Paws. I knew that the Vet Hospital would call to let us know he was ready to be picked up. I guess Chris got the call yesterday. I didn't know though and he came walking through the door holding a wooden box and paw print. I looked at what remained of our dog and more tears. I can't get over how heavy the box was. Our 90lb dog sure was heavy even now. Weird how a week ago he was here with us and big as life and now I have a box that while small is heavy as can be. I am not sure what we are going to do with his ashes yet. In some weird way it is comforting having him somehow with us. I also know all the places he loved...Grape Street Park was where he grew up-best dog park in San Diego, then Coronado dog beach-the nicest and biggest area at beach for dogs, and the million walks around our neighborhood now. Any of them would hold meaning. For now just going to let this too sink in and I guess it is just another adjustment......

Dreams and Reality

Zion has been in my dreams several times. It is either the sad, last moments we said goodbye that seems like groundhog day and I can't escape it, or it is us having to say goodbye but in a different setting completely and I wake up and don't know if my own sobbing in my dream woke me up or if it was by chance. I was glad to wake up and hope it is always just a dream.....I then realize it is usually because Kieren woke up crying and wants to eat. I make my way through the dark house and still walk around the end of our bed where Zion always slept and then realize he is no longer there and my caution was all for not. He used to come in and check on us in Kieren's room when I fed him and made sure all was okay and went back and layed down. The last couple weeks though he stayed sleeping as I don't think he felt good.

Yesterday Cameron said he missed Zi Zi kisses and I said "so do I , so do I!" He brings him up here and there. I asked him what he thought Zi was doing up in doggie heaven and he told me ,"I think he is running and jumpin and blowing us Zi Zi kisses from up there!" How great is that! I said, " You know what Cam, I think you are right!" Wow that image made me smile more than I have in a long time! Thank god for the observations of my son.....

Coming to Terms

Like the title, I am coming to terms with the realization that Zion is no longer with us. I was preparing myself to accept it weeks before he was gone in a way. In the past day or two I have cried less but not because I have less love and want for him to be with us.....just more a sense of acceptance of what will be. The slightest things can trigger tears to well up in my eyes....a knowing look followed by the question, "how are you doing?"....then I am surprised to find the emotion that follows it.

I still tend to find myself impatient with those around me....like they should know what has happened and understand to what depths it has hurt me/us he is gone....or that my son at 3 should not act like a spoiled brat at times and know what degree I am feeling this loss. But how could he? So I take a step back and realize that and take a breath and let it go. Coming to terms with things can sure suck.

P.S.
What doesn't suck it the close friends and family that have been supportive. Friends that will get you good tequila to get you through a tough week-that is true friendship! I love you guys!

Distractions

I guess you can say we are lucky to have two boys that force you to keep moving on with life even when you don't feel like it. I resented having to deal with anything more than the loss of Zion at first. But now I feel lucky to have two beautiful, albeit crazy lil boys and a great husband to lift my spirits and remember the good memories with Zion.

Cameron has the best outlook and he should after hearing all about what dog heaven allows Zion to do and have. I know Zion would want everyone happy and sulking all day would only worry him as it always did. So with our goodbye to him the next day we took the boys to the fair as we had originally planned. We all needed it. Getting out of the house is almost easier. It is the quiet of the house, yes quiet even with the uproar of 2 little boys, that gets to me the most.

I can still smell Zion here and there and I am left to stare at a plant his dr.'s sent and his collar. It is the greetings and happy butt wiggle when we arrived no matter how short we were gone that I miss. So mornings and afternoons keeping busy works well....nights get harder. The fair was fun. We met some other friends of which who have also lost a couple dogs in the last year. Nice when people understand...so after a million rides and even a beer break we stopped and got a nice lunch on way home.

We also decided that we would go to the beach...so Chris packed a loadful of junk we needed and we spent the day enjoying the water. Cameron boogieboarded, Chris surfed, Kieren ate some sand....all was good.
Sunday we headed to the Gordon's (gma/pa) It was their 40th wedding anniv.! They bbq'd and we all went into the swimming pool. Nice to be with them. I guess at times like these you really realize how great friends and family are and those that are there for you and understand stand out. It is still hard not having Zi here but I can smile when I talk about him and that feels good!

Stories of Zion

When Zion chose us for his parents

We had seen boxers and the minute I did I fell in love with that breed. There was something so lovable, and silly and loving that you couldn't resist them. If I saw a puppy-I would melt....and so it was after several years of living together and arrangements made to move into our new house we bought in a month we decided to purchase our new puppy. I make it sound like we chose him when in reality he chose us.

When we got there, there was he and his brother left of the males. His brother was sleepy...not sickly I don't think..just not interested too much. Then there was Zion with his big head and chunky lil paws and his teeny pot belly....all 6 weeks of love and we knew he was the one. We actually would have taken them both if money wasn't an issue. I wonder how it would have been...would he have cancer too?

I can remember taking him home and not exactly crating him....we never tried to train Zion...somehow even if others didn't agree, we wanted a dog not a robot. I don't care if he jumps up and says hi to me, sits on the couch, begs for my food, digs a hole in the yard...he had so much personality I would have found it hard to suppress it.

We were making plans to move in a couple weeks to our first home. It was an older home but had a great yard...of which we soon came to realize wasn't such an issue-he was with us always..in the house. As with all things there is the cute factor and then the reality factor. We soon realized how much work a puppy was in relation to the selfish life where the world revolved around some work and a lot of play. The crying and wanting to play at 2am and the poops and pee and guilt of leaving him alone...with work also came the fun.

He would attempt to climb up the stairs, bark, play, and I would walk him along beach more than likely much farther than I should at his age. He was adorable and quite the show stopper.

The years that continued there were many a funny or not so funny story about him. But with all the times he was the sweetest dog I will ever know.

ZION-always in our hearts!

I had this written and had to go back to preface this entry with a little explanation. If you are reading this and are not a dog owner or even a pet lover then it may become what may seem dramatic and silly to you even. But for us it is real and raw and a true emotion from me as I write it. The words are really just pouring out and I am typing as fast as I can to catch it all in print. Zion was more than a dog. He will mean more to us than most people in our lives. I don't think you got to this site unless you were a trusted friend or love dogs and if you are just curious I would hope that after reading this you can gain a deeper insight of just how much a dog adds to your life and even with the heart wrenching goodbyes you choose them or they choose you willingly. Unconditional love at it's finest. I am writing this in tribute to Zion's memory and for him choosing us for his parents. He will be missed and never forgotten.

I sit here 2 days after saying goodbye to our sweet boy Zion. He was our first baby and love. Zion is our 90lbs of love boxer....I am even typing "is" as I cannot believe he is gone. I cannot even describe the amount of love we have for him. It was the hardest thing I have been through....I can't speak for Chris but I am going to say probably so as well.

Zion was diagnosed with lymphoma (a type of cancer) on my birthday last year in November of 2007. After seeking out options we decided to put him through chemo treatments. We said that as long as he was himself that we would continue as long as he was happy. We wanted to do whatever we could for him since he had given us so much through out the years. He did so amazing. If he ever felt bad we sure couldn't tell aside from a little nausea.

6 months passed and a month out of chemo he began to show signs of what we noticed before....no appetite, drinking more water, urinating more. I took him into the vet. Chris had always taken him as we have the 2 boys at home and was hard for me to make the trips with them all. On this occasion though I said I could do it. I was upset and I guess deep down knew the news I was about to get. Sitting in the waiting room you almost wish you could stop time but no faster than you knew it after blood work and a chest x-ray there was a mass found near his heart. So ironic that of all places to come back it was around his heart which funnier enough was abnormally large for him...what does that tell you about how much love that dog was filled with? I cried and cried and hated hearing that f-ing evil word cancer. How can a dog so good deserve this? He gave so much and is such an unfair outcome. I cried the most because I knew that the Prednisone he was giving us to give him was more of a gift of time...that those little white pills I would have to sneak into his food would give us a week or so to love, spoil, and say our goodbyes in our own way. How are you supposed to feel about that? Lucky? Fortunate? Especially when he still has the spark in his eyes and the playfulness and love he always has? It might be easier to deal with something sudden...to see some drastic malfunction...but instead he remained this heap of 90lb love that was our family.

Just like the chemo, you start to live in a state of denial...you feel good because he appears to feel good and you try to block out the reality of things. But this time I tried to be happy when he was happy as he has always be so in tuned to every emotion. He always knew when you were upset and would come next to you to console you....now it was my time to do that for him-but then I would cry and in an instant who would lick my tears away?...My Zion. So selfless and so loving.

I wanted to shove everything into a week I could that was good for him as I didn't know when I wouldn't be able to anymore. Unhealthy as it was I didn't want to leave the house or if I did I wanted him with us. I felt like if I lost a minute of time I would regret it. It would be a minute I didn't get to be with him, hold him, feel his breathing. I was trying to take every bit of him in even though I knew him so well head to toe because when he was gone I wouldn't have it anymore. I took him to the park and took video and pics of him. We layed on the blanket together and I kept snapping frame after frame thinking it was one way to keep him with me forever and if I had enough pictures it would make everything okay. But it doesn't. I have heard people say the hardest thing about losing anyone/thing is that you can't hear them, touch them, ...and that couldn't be more true.

I took Zion to the groomer who upon hearing the situation was happy to get him in and spoiled him with dog treats. I wanted him to feel clean, good, ..nails clipped. Anything to give him any boost in his day or to help how lousy he was feeling. They said it was like a flu...not painful ...just feel rotten. Well how is that good? We know what the flu feels like-awful. We got him so many treats....and even steaks. I wondered what he must think...does he know? I think he did. He and Chris would do their nightly walks. I would take him that last week and a half out earlier sometimes as I knew he wanted to be out.

Then the dreaded morning came that he didn't want to eat his soft food...didn't want his morning treats that were a ritual he wouldn't let you forget, and he seemed more lethargic. The spark in his eyes were more glossed over and again being in denial I thought if I took him for a walk he will want to eat again like before. Funny how even then you try to talk yourself into how you can make it all better. I decided seeing as he seemed slower I would just take him out back but he seemed hell bent on wanting to go for a walk. I left him off the leash and followed his lead. As we were walking I wondered if it was good to go on such a long walk for him but he persisted. I couldn't believe the spunk he had in him...he ran around...sniffed things...chased some lizards and bunnies, harassed two dogs and even did one of his famous Zion burnouts. I was shocked at his energy level and Zion-like personality that exuded from him and at the same time it was like he was taking in each little thing one last time knowing it would be the last chance to do so. So was I. As we approached home he had a little water and layed down in the living room which is where he wanted to stay for awhile.

Cameron was at school and we just had Kieren who was napping. Chris took the day off. I called Chris the day before because after watching him almost a week and a half I felt him slowing down and I guess was deep down knowing time was limited..and asked if he had a late meeting and cried not wanting Zion to have to feel awful. I felt like I had become so intolerant with everyone around me...angry at them, at the world...at the cancer. We both knew things were about to take a turn. Chris decided to take off several days. He didn't get several days as we both looked at him lying there and neither of us wanted to say the words out loud but we knew this was that line of being brave for the sake of Zion and letting him go or keeping him with us for even one more day for our own selfishness. We knew that we had always decided the minute there was a change and he was not happy we would let him go.

In hindsight the day before I had read that dogs hang on far longer than they want to for the sake of their owners happiness and I knew that to be true of Zion-it is exactly what he would do for us even if he was miserable. I talked to him that day before as he lay there and told him how good he was, how he had done so good and that if he needed to go that it was okay and that we love him and want him to feel better...and I cried and that is when he licked away my tears. I drove down by the beach and looked out into the water and prayed for Zion....and to get some sign for when it was time. I may not go to church every Sunday but I believe myself to be spiritual and I don't think that there were rules to how I asked for answers at a time like this.


Now on the next day it was almost like he was telling us it was time to go. There was no more licking away the tears and that was when I really knew. If you saw him that day he was always as beautiful as ever...barely any gray hair, muscle body even if big, big chocolate brown eyes, and that long tongue...he walked out to the car for the final car ride. We took Kieren to a friends house and we made the quiet ride to the vet hospital. It felt like you wanted a red light to stop you forever but of course the days you actually want that you get greens right away. Chris helped him out of the car and he still had energy to even pull on the leash and walk in...which is hard to see him do so. The minute we got in the private room he layed down on the cold flooring instead of the blanket. We put the blanket under his head and cried and talked to him about good memories, that it was okay, how good he was, that mommy and daddy loved him, that we would miss him but see him again someday, that there would be people and dog buddies waiting for him, that he would be at peace and feel better....god what are you supposed to say??...it was ripping the biggest hole from my heart and there was nothing I could say or do to stop it. Making it okay for him was what had to come first. His techs and vet all were there with him to say goodbye and while we put him to sleep....I don't know why we say put him to sleep other than it sounds better ...anyway as they were going to put in the stuff to make him relax he did lift his head but relaxed soon after...he was surrounded by us and those that had loved him there as well the last 6 months and I am sure was use to being poked and prodded. It was hard to see the dr and techs upset too-it really showed how amazing he is to touch so many people....not all dogs do and they had grown an attatchment to him. I didn't even know "it" had happened until the vet /dr. put the stethoscope to his chest and gently and quietly told us he was gone. GONE?! GONE?! NOOOOO!! I broke down and held Zion and tried placing my hands over his eyes to close them further. I know he was feeling awful but he seemed so detatched in those final moments...he barely moved...there were no licks. We went as far as humanly possible to extend his life...the money didn't matter to us...the time/trips/pills didn't matter...he mattered....he was everything to us and no matter what else we did that f-ing cancer was back and there wasn't anything we could do to stop it. There was a small sense of relief for him as we all four quietly stared numbly at Zion. Chris and I were on the same page and we knew this was the moment that was meant to say goodbye...it wasn't a day sooner or a day later it was then.

I hated that Wednesday. I hated having to await a call in a week telling us that his ashes and footprint were ready to be picked up. That box while it contains his remains which mean so much of course...it isn't him. It is the memory of him-what is left. For those who think dogs have no souls well then you haven't met Zion. I want to believe there is a doggy heaven...open grass fields, oceans to swim in, dog toys and treats, and all the loved ones that have passed on there to be with him. I hated that I had to still go pick up our lil 9 month old and later our 3 1/2 yr old and explain why Zi wouldn't be obnoxiously greeting us at the door anymore with wet, sloppy kisses. Or why he wouldn't be shaking his ears in the morning to wake Cameron up so he could get some food (he always knew it was a good tactic), or why Cameron wouldn't be able to taunt him with morning treats and throw them across the room, or why we couldn't leave crumbs on the couch or drop food on floor because he wouldn't be there to lick them up, or why Kieren wouln't get the lickdowns he sought out across the head that made him laugh, or that Kieren couldn't drag himself over to him to poke at his tail, or why there wouldn't be as many walks around the neighborhood or at least for some time, or why the dog toys and dog bed were put away that very day in the garage and the house from this moment on just got a lot bigger, emptier and lonelier...and the list goes on.

After Cameron got home there have been moments I have lost it. I know he is 3 and he seems pretty resilient and I then long to be 3 as well. I know it will be all the things I just mentioned as the days go by that he will be surprised to miss and it will come and go. Maybe that needs to be a lesson to me on how to handle all this but my heart is to invested and aches far too much and there is no changing that. Instead I am here left to answer things about doggie heaven and what Zion is doing and who is with him. So I tell him what it is like and how I hope and imagine it to be with every good thing I can think of as if my saying these words will make it all true. I am left to cry more when Cameron says Zion can take an airplane and see us, or can we watch Zion fly and he says it so matter of fact and with such innocence I want to be 3 and watch it happen. But instead...some good moments then more tears and more comments from my son: "mommy you have your sad face today again"..."that's okay mommy, we can still look at his pictures and see him"...these are the moments I lose it.

I sit here 2 days later finally without distractions...I hurt inside but feel I need to capture all of this emotion and moments of the last week and a half. We will always love Zion. He had a way about him that is so unique. Like Chris said...even when people who came over that weren't fans of dogs..he would do everything in his power to try and win them over by the time they walked out our door and more times over not he won. He was our first baby, our best friend, our love, our ZiZi and there will never be another Zizi.

I asked everyone not to send me emails of "they are sorry etc..'it only makes me more depressed. Some have anyway and I cry more when they are so sweet...I know the saying time will make it easier....what do you do til then??....when will the "time" be that my heart isn't missing a piece of it (I really think it was meant to go with him) and that I can breathe again? I though I would breathe easier when he was at peace and you know I did...now all the memories and this house remind me of him every second I turn around and the tightness in my chest starts again. That saying "you don't know what you have til it's gone.".....well I did know what I had all along and now that it is gone it hurts that much more'...I would however ..take this pain over and over again if I had to do it all over again.

We love you Zion. It will be okay. I hope you are flying all over doggie heaven! XO Mommy



A few quotes I found:

God turns clouds inside out to make fluffy beds for the dogs in Dog Heaven, and when they are tired from running and barking and eating ham-sandwich biscuits, the dogs find a cloud bed for sleeping. God watches over each one of them. And there are no bad dreams.

Cynthia Rylant

I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?

Sir Walter Scott

A Poem:

When Is It Time?

by Kit McCallum

When is it time to say goodbye, To all the love I've known, When is it time to end your pain, And leave me all alone? I've watched you on your good days when I feel your strength renewed; But shortly after little ups, The down days then ensue. We ride this roller-coaster of Emotions as we try, To make it through another day, And yet, I can't deny ... That as I look into your face On days that have been bad, I see a look that beckons me It's tired, and hurt, and sad. The little spark I used to see Behind those loving eyes, Is growing ever clouded By life's cruel inhumane side. I try to see beyond the pain You feel with every step; And softly whisper to myself This may get better yet. If I can bear to watch you Just another day or two; I justify my reasons to Ensure I cling to you. For letting go is harder for The person left behind; It means that if I let you go, I cannot turn back time. Back to the days I long for now, When you were full of life; And every day held promise, And our futures, clear and bright. But now the lights are darkening ... We take it daily now; I cannot see our futures clear Or think beyond this cloud. I think the hardest part in this Is never knowing why, I have to be courageous And I have to say goodbye. For if I let myself admit It's time to let you go; I'd have to face reality Without you ... but I know ... That soon I have to face the Final outcome that I dread, And holding on will only serve To hurt you in the end. You've given such unselfish love For all our time in life, But if I hold too tightly, You'll not move t'ward the light ... On to a better life, where you Can once again be free, Of all the pain and discomfort That holds you here to me. So if I find the courage just to say This last farewell, I hope you will forgive me for The time it took me; still ... I'll hold with me, the memories That in my heart remain, Pray one day, down the road a'ways ... They'll lesson my own pain.