Time heals but loss is still felt

Maybe it was the fact that my grandfather isn't fairing too well this week or that Zion's collar is hanging on a hook near our back door but today I actually looked for him like I had gone back in time and he would be there waiting. Something about another's death or their impending twist of fate that awaits them that none of us can escape one day, makes you aware of things you already miss. I thought of him in the midst of being back at work and running all week with no time for myself between work, kids, work...you get the picture. I left the back door open and the air from the fan hit the curtains just right and it was like old times. I twisted my head toward the door with Kieren under my arms to catch a glance of the big, brown, bulbous head-but again like all things forever gone from your grasp it was more of a mirage than a reality. I sometimes wonder if the times that your attention is in tune with their memory if those are the times they are around us or thinking of us too and it is their way of still being a part of your life and checking in. I know-sounds crazy but I like to think so. Needless to say my laundry was the only thing waiting at home. Somehow that just wasn't the greeting I had hoped for.

I got up around 3:45am to feed Kieren. Not sure why he didn't sleep through the night. It happens still. I had a total flashback. I was feeding him and rocking in the rocking chair with his bedroom door opened a bit and the soft lighting from the dining area shone through. I felt like Zi was with us. Maybe he was or maybe I just had yet another moment remembering him and the comfort he brought having him around. Zion was just like his mom (me) a worry wart-wanted to make sure all was okay. He would get up most times and come in the room, and even though knowing my arms were filled up with Kieren would lay at my feet for an occasional rub down by my feet on his back. He would see all was fine and return to his bed at the foot of ours. I sat there hoping that in that space where the door was ajar and the light shone enough to see I would be able to see my big Zi walk right in. Part of me knows that is crazy but a part of me thinks that when we think of our loved ones that pass it is because they are truly with us. I almost feel like you get a strange feeling to let you know. Maybe not, maybe just hoping,. but I have felt that way before at passing of my grandmothers. All I know is that however sad not to have him late this morning...there was a peaceful feeling knowing he somehow was still here.

Zi lives in everyone's hearts!

I haven't posted in awhile. Sometimes I think I am so lucky to have been so busy with the boys, to have little down time. I fear without them how I would be doing without Zion in our lives. Zion left us after having our two boys at a time when there are few silences throughout my day to even think. I continue to smile when I see him everyday on my screensaver as big as life-I talk to him in my own way that way and send loving thoughts-that way there is never a day I don't talk or think of him. Cameron likes to talk to his picture too and pretend to throw treats....he misses that. We have been blessed with the amazing thoughtfulness of his Doctors/techs still. We have recieved another arrangement-beautiful flowers as well as a card and a book about a man/dog. Just when you lose faith in things around you there are people that go that extra mile to care and show love for you and your family during a hard time. It has meant so much to recieve these tokens of kindness and makes me less cynical about this crazy world. So awesome.

Sixteen Days Past Goodbye

It has been over two weeks since saying goodbye to our beloved Zi. I don't know if it is keeping busy that keeps me from crying or a certain peace you come to terms with and a way of looking daily at pictures and remembering good times that help. I do know that my calendar mysteriously filled up with various outings, activities and appointments....coincidence? Funny how things like the DMV all of a sudden become a priority to take care of after driving with an expired license since my last birthday (and no I didn't know til recently). So these and my boys are what make things seem somewhat normal. We talk about Zion with a smile and laugh at what he must be doing in "doggie heaven." We still run into people who ask where he is and a little sting returns, especially when they are with their dogs...walking them, throwing the ball to them.....there have been no walks for me around the neighborhood. I haven't even gone with Cameron and his bike. Still a little strange to do so without him. Maybe again sometime soon. So glad we had Zi in our lives. Like my friend Jessica said, "they really teach you lessons in how to be a better person"....they trust and love unconditionally....they forgive you in a second....it is no wonder they make such an impact on us. XO ZI!

If I could

I lost my friend today somewhere along the way;
I had to say goodbye with tears in my eyes;
Why wasn't there more of a choice, why couldn't he stay?
I knew in my heart I had to let him go;
his eyes pleaded with me even though I wanted to say no.
If I could live and breathe for him I would;
if I could take that cancer...only if I could.
A part of my heart went with my friend today;
I lost it forever but it was never meant to stay.
I miss you my friend, I love you forever.

The Loving Thoughts Keep Coming.....

I am so impressed and at the same time touched by our Zi's Dr./staff at California Veterinary Specialists Angel Care Cancer Center. It is an amazing place with people who absolutely love animals and want to do everything possible to help them live the longest, happiest lives possible..even with that evil Cancer.

I had only been a couple times as I said...Chris normally took Zion but the way they interacted with him and were affected by him it proved he had been the luckiest dog to recieve help with them. They refer to the dogs as kids. They are there to speak to anytime at the drop of a hat and are there for you to come in anytime as well. Unfortunately my visits ..each one had been for the saddest ones-but these were the times I needed people like this around me.

I cannot thank them enough for their kindness and love to Zion and the total respect for his last moments with us and wanting to say goodbyes. I know they become numb to the events such as ours to some extent but they told me that Zion was one they got attatched to and that he won over their hearts. They said they are sorry they were unable to do more for him.....are they kidding?! Do they realize they gave us the best gift they could have...we got almost 7 more happy months with him....a gift to him and us. He wouldn't have made it that first month unless we had taken him there.....we made the mistake of going to Bancroft and the inexperience and lack of attention to details almost cost us this time we were given.

So I hold the utmost respect and gratitude to them. Hopefully we can get Zion's pic in a frame and a card to express this. They even sent a letter today. Awesome. What more can I say! David Proulx and team go above and beyond and am so thankful to them.

Peaceful Paws

We chose to have Zion cremated through Peaceful Paws. I knew that the Vet Hospital would call to let us know he was ready to be picked up. I guess Chris got the call yesterday. I didn't know though and he came walking through the door holding a wooden box and paw print. I looked at what remained of our dog and more tears. I can't get over how heavy the box was. Our 90lb dog sure was heavy even now. Weird how a week ago he was here with us and big as life and now I have a box that while small is heavy as can be. I am not sure what we are going to do with his ashes yet. In some weird way it is comforting having him somehow with us. I also know all the places he loved...Grape Street Park was where he grew up-best dog park in San Diego, then Coronado dog beach-the nicest and biggest area at beach for dogs, and the million walks around our neighborhood now. Any of them would hold meaning. For now just going to let this too sink in and I guess it is just another adjustment......